You don’t know me, but I know you. Of course, if you saw me you might recognize me. Maybe I was the guy who delivered your new refrigerator, or cleaned your carpets. Or perhaps I was the guy cutting your lawn who asked to use the bathroom. I saw that there was a box from a new television at the bins, fifty-five inch, impressive. It will be easy for me to get, too, since I left the bathroom window unlocked before I left. I have been parking down the street and walking past a couple of times a day to figure out your schedule, too.
I noticed that you left your front door unlocked fumbling with your umbrella this morning when I walked by. No problem, I will be sure to lock up before I leave. Of course, when I leave, it will be with that new television and Xbox console. Of course, if there are any valuables in the kids’ room, I won’t look at those – good thing there are plenty elsewhere in the house. The safe in your bedroom closet was visible when I used the bathroom the other day. It will be small enough to take without a hassle, so I hope there’s something good in there for me!
That old alarm system in the house seems like it would be a good idea in theory, of cause the pretty decorative glass in your entryway lets me know for sure if it’s on – what great placement! Be sure to give the security company my regards when you call to report the break-in. We both know if your alarm would have been armed instead of left off in the umbrella fumble, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, lucky for me you don’t have one of those new We.R systems that you can arm remotely from your smartphone, that system has caused me so many missed opportunities, but not this time!
There were some travel brochures and a trip itinerary on your kitchen counter when I was heading for the door, good to know when you’ll be out of town. I noticed you also told everyone what day you’re leaving on Facebook. At least now I know when to show up without being bothered. Oh, you don’t have a dog? Wonderful, no need to bring my oven spray. Enjoy your trip!
-Your local neighborhood burglar