A Letter From Your Local Burglar!


You don’t know me, but I know you. Of course, if you saw me you might recognize me. Maybe I was the guy who delivered your new refrigerator, or cleaned your carpets. Or perhaps I was the guy cutting your lawn who asked to use the bathroom. I saw that there was a box from a new television at the bins, fifty-five inch, impressive. It will be easy for me to get, too, since I left the bathroom window unlocked before I left. I have been parking down the street and walking past a couple of times a day to figure out your schedule, too.

I noticed that you left your front door unlocked fumbling with your umbrella this morning when I walked by. No problem, I will be sure to lock up before I leave. Of course, when I leave, it will be with that new television and Xbox console. Of course, if there are any valuables in the kids’ room, I won’t look at those – good thing there are plenty elsewhere in the house. The safe in your bedroom closet was visible when I used the bathroom the other day. It will be small enough to take without a hassle, so I hope there’s something good in there for me!

That old alarm system in the house seems like it would be a good idea in theory, of course the pretty decorative glass in your entryway lets me know for sure if it’s on – what great placement! Be sure to give the security company my regards when you call to report the break-in. We both know if your alarm would have been armed instead of left off in the umbrella fumble, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Lucky for me you don’t have a Coffeyco Security system that you can arm remotely from your smartphone, that system has caused me so many missed opportunities, but not this time!

There were some travel brochures and a trip itinerary on your kitchen counter when I was heading for the door, good to know when you’ll be out of town. I noticed you also told everyone what day you’re leaving on Facebook. At least now I know when to show up without being bothered. Oh, you don’t have a dog? Wonderful, no need to bring my oven spray. Enjoy your trip!

-Your local neighborhood burglar

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